#716: Stalling Pete Puts-You-Off

He's only putting you off because it's a big decision. He's only sleeping because he's tired..
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #716: Stalling Pete Puts-You-Off)

The Alpha Mummy

The Alpha Mummy charms me
He charms me with his snake dance
His arms akimbo and perpendicular
I do his bidding for no reason in particular

In fact, when I closer examine my actions
They more resemble the acts of a mad man

I cut my own hair
I circle the drain
I alphabetize my fingernails
I listen closely to anyone who could be thinking for me

They steal my ideas
But I took them off the back of a mashed potato box
The brand with the spuds on the front
They looked so delicious
I simply had to murder that woman

When I awoke I was up to my eye lids
In bug elbows
They were akimbo
In my eye sockets
I was crying electric sauce
It tempted me
Yet all I could do was look away

As scarabs circled my grave
Tabasco curses
The accidental curse
The dental hearse
I rode away in the mummy's mouth

He debugged my program
And now I make total sense

He leads the pack
And cuts the crops
With pestilence and plague

No more potatoes for sleepy dreams
I turned to vapor

His order is my command
I'm not in his pack, I don't understand
But now it makes total sense

March
Hut
2
3
4

#776: B&M Barton Tiny Teeth

Here B&M is for Bitchin' and Moanin'. He does not like can openers at all.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- ##776: B&M Barton Tiny Teeth)

I know what you'd do

Do you?

Tonto Taunting / Typo Symposium

Hemoglobin Paycut

My DNA Is A Liar

The Six Million Dollar Flabby Man

We have the technology to make him really dumpy.

It's Solid Mold! A Comedy of Terrors!

Picking scabs to be captain of my football team. I slowly decided who the winner should be.

Process of elimination was out. I didn't know anyone's name. And nobody looked like any celebrities I've seen. And I'm bad with names. They were all lost in a fire.


A later date ocurred and I aged sufficiently. Then I lost my place.

I was just there to do to Superbowl Shuffle. I was out of cereal. Caveat emptor. Empty boxes. Caveman goes hungry. Stupid, stupid caveman.

give me one taste then put a muzzle on it

door bell spies: i'm onto you

paranoia's cleaning my house

i'm moving out

hang nails playing hang man

truth be told

this painting is staring at me

vines climbing the walls

putting coins in the well

a well placed name dropped in the bucket

good luck

pumkpin splash

Most geniuses aren't understood in their own time. That's why I don't understand what I'm talking about.

(to the owner of the large mouth, kindly shut up)

turtleneck rage

Nobody gets me harder than Medusa
Icarus flew by on his ridiculous tricycle
And in a way, it was perfect

His wings melted
And I had to just laugh
And laugh
And laugh
And laugh

I got light headed
And the sun melted

Everything was fine for a while
Exactly a while

And I took some ice cream Tylenol
It took care of my ice cream Head ache

But nothing was harder than getting over Medusa
She broke my heart
Into shards; several
They were innumerable
My feelings were indescribable

This is the pain that only soft tap dancing can decimate
It felt like a zombie let loose in my brain

The wings of my house
In my brain
It grew dusty and old
Alone, cold, trusty
And full of soul

My heart worked out
Worked out fine
Fine and dandy
Like solid candy

My heart can bench press my soul
But nothing is more taxing
Than getting over Medusa
My, how she broke my heart
And charmed it first

With her many-snaked head
Her siren song had the cops chasing me
As I sped along the empty highway
To meet her arms
Her poisonous embrace

I could not get the Mad Libs out of my head
It was funny
So funny I laughed

It was no laughing matter
Then I lost my place
That doesn't matter
No matter
No brain

Mind over matter
Then I ran her over
Her blood and guts
They went splatter
It brought a tear to my eye

And I just had to cry
And cry
And cry
And cry
And cry

But in a way
It was really funny

I know, somewhere up there
Some fucker is laughing at me

For I am the Mad Libs in their heart
And that makes everything alright
In the end
The End.

if sasquatch was my baby

If Sasquatch was my baby
I would get tail non-stop
And though he doesn't have one
It would be the quintessential American tale
Without fail, we would drink Sarsaparilla*
We would grow old together
And I would watch his body rot

And he would not understand the legal documents
Which I made him sign on his death bed
And although it was not a bad in the traditional sense
He was laying down
Upon a pile of rocks
Twixt a cake of mud
Beneath the blistering sun
And the wind itself blew so harshly
That his flesh tore from his skin
And we loved each other very much

He made me a friendship bracelet
And it was the foundation
Of a solid relation
The ship had sailed
And our trust was comprised of the following minerals, not in the following order:

1. Aluminum-Copper
2. Batman Haircuts Octane
3. Bisectium Bicycle, the compound which cannot be named
4. Complex simplex, the simple compound
5. Long Division 13X, a top secret element which should not be mentioned
6. Some random strings found on a bus station bench

Later on our reflections in a pool of water sent chills down our spines
We skipped along, merrily
And played hide or seek
I can't remember which

It was a fun day
A pleasant, indeed
Our love was true

And he signed on the dotted line
I know his love was truly mine
I only dreamt of shoving the decrepit old Sasquatch
Off a rocky hill
In his wheel chair
But it was still a dream come true

And that is the way I choose to remember him

also


















*Not SARS-SODATM, the beverage that caused quite a stir in recent years due to all those health complications by being in the general vincinity of a can opening. Though it was refreshing.

#737: Library Bird Maurice Backissues

Horse and Beef Magazines especially.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #737: Library Bird Maurice Backissues)
Part of the 100 new Hobo names

well, i stopped taking the medicine my dog prescibed for me

and i appeared in my own dreams. i was paranoid.

772. Acid-Blood-and-Spit Lionel Stander, the Spitter

3 miles is his record. Pictured here without his customary headband.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #772. Acid-Blood-and-Spit Lionel Stander, the Spitter)
Part of the 100 new Hobo names

future sass

790. Voweltooth Jenkins, the Man with the Scrabble Tile Dentures

The blank tiles on the jaw are "H" and "B." 7 points! (Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #790: Voweltooth Jenkins, the Man with the Scrabble Tile Dentures)
Part of the 100 new Hobo names

filling my cough quota for the year

It used to be cloak and dagger. Now I'm naked and defenseless.

Topping the shitlist today:

1) Plastic rakes. They do nothing but scrape the asphalt, significantly reducing property value and ear drum resilency. Also, people in the near proximity will be unable to eavsedrop on conversations, especially if they are whispered. They will also be inaudible even if the contents of the discourse is later revealed to be: "Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots." Etc.

you spoonfed me reality

now i'm full fat and tired

fighting claw and tooth, defanging the truth, cleaning my toilet in a bear skin suit

the horse bit me

sea baby crawled out of the ocean

and revealed his two heads

tell your babies

nothing is getting through, they just got sick of you

His "bark" is worse than his "bite." He does not bite, that is a "typo."
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #403: Eldred Splinters)

the place to have been

He has much to teach us.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #767: Dr. Know)
Part of the 100 new Hobo names

i'm totally in jail and loving it

Ode To A Piece of Dandruff I Saw In the Shower: I MISS YOU

◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊◊

the movers and the shakers
the givers and the takers
always pushing you aside
you say you don't mind
and yet talk about it all the time
like doing what you want is a crime
well go inside
keep a closed mind
i'm a very busy man
i don't have much time
or money
in fact i'm running out of both
if you want a little growth
gotta shed a little skin
to do anything
you have to begin

wallet pains, birthing strains

Sometime later the house was sufficiently clean and she headed indoors. It's safer there. No freon poisoning, no male posturing. Just a house and a home. A humble abode. A place to hang your hat.

So she headed indoors and trekked to the couch. A plaid and flannel affair. Though it had four legs, it wouldn't be walking down the red carpet anytime soon. Maybe it would be dragged over one if she moved, but she was here for now.

And she went indoors. And she sat. On the couch.

"Stop me if I'm going too fast" One brick said to another.

She sat and with bated breath eavsedropped on a pair of bickering bricks in her flat.

"It's not that you're going too fast" The brick countered. "It's that you're an idiot. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, maybe it's that you're not listening. You haven't said anything."

"Maybe I just prefer to suffer fools in silence."

"Well, you're the fool."

"At least I'm not making myself look stupid, talking about such things. You don't know anything. You've stayed in this house all your life. You don't know your roots. You don't have any plans. No goals. You just spend your whole life in line, where you're supposed to be."

"Shut up with your rabble rousing shit, would you?" This was a surly brick, indeed. But no one likes to be made to feel four inches tall, even if that is their proper size.

"I haven't said a word at all, which was what caused all this fuss in the first place."

"Well, that's just like you. Never saying anything at all. Living in your head."

"Maybe there's a better world in there." This brick probably kept a journal.

"Well, it's too big for your head." This brick probably preferred toilet paper folded under, not over.

She had such a headache from listening to bricks argue, so she headed into the kitchen to take some Tylenol and probably make a piece of toast.

Then the toaster farted.

tempting loss

i-beam and outsourced souls

They totally have it coming.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #697: Smokehouse "Frankie" Jowl-Poker)

fight the peace

head out neck in

no cereal holds barred

click to read
breathe to breed










To anyone who is reading this, archival audio has been unearthed of Abraham Linclon and Benjamin Franklin not only speaking, but actually rapping. Time travel may be involved, too. Just go here: http://www.myspace.com/historysfirstthugs

the future is now, the past is later

This is roughly drawing #300, if you were wondering. To celebrate, here is a look back at an old friend.

[Please click images for full sized adventures, nature lovers]







































































Also, here is a poem:

I'd rather be casper than richie rich
but the day-white smell always rips my dreams away
i wish i ate that sandwich


yeah i'd rather be casper than richie rich
i grab a twinkie and begin to play
but the day-white smell always rips my dreams away
i got nothin too original to say
sometimes i just wanna eat a sandwich!

spam, spam you don't taste that bland
litigiously, she danced to the music of an unseen polka band

Ernest Borg 9.0, parallel universe parking

rancid meat breath

put it in the dance

missingbehavior

we must save mickey mouses brain!

Lint Nickel = Legal Tender ≠ Tasty
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #298: The Treasurer)

god is wearing black to my party because i'm a goth

Click image (or text) for legible version of comic.

look it up while we look you down

can i borrow a quarter

camp for liars

I Have Own

pie ladies of the caribbean

The future is in corrugated transport. Also a french loaf propellor helps in a pinch.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #550: Douglas, the Future of Hoboing)

it's just one of those things