people love the new yorker 6

people love the new yorker 5

people love the new yorker 4

people love the new yorker 3

people love the new yorker 2

people love the new yorker

With props to Nick.

i don't have to be bath water

the proper name the proper tone

I plugged my hair extensions into the wall again

think tanks shooting food food

#778: V-Neck Sweater Teddy G

The V-Neck is pure velvet. The G is for Zero Gravity. It makes for 100% comfy hobo naps.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #778: V-Neck Sweater Teddy G)

quit spinnin my world round

Quit spinnin my world round
It makes me nauseous
So nauseous
So
I'd like to get off
Any time soon

I wasn't tall enough for this ride
My under wear rides
My boss is riding my back
I wish things would go back
To how they were before

When Atlas shrugged his shoulders
And read me the Ayn Rand Cliff's Notes
It made me spin to sleep
As he spun lies

Solid gold lies
On the back of a taper
A three toed sloth
A three mile island
And a man with a gridiron invisible stomach

A waffle iron turned to stone
I turned my attention
And directed it at the TV
It turns out it wasn't a bomb after all

Just a friendly prank
Perpetrated against me
By my evil twin
He has no shadow

Yet I am constantly moved to return his gifts
He is an incosiderate idiot
Yet I cannot remember his address
I directed my attention out the window

And took a lovely jump
It changed the air in my lungs
Exchanged it for seasonal allergies
What a dandy gift

So when I caught up with my whimsy
I had my instincts in a paper sack
Hoisted over my shoulder
And affected the coriolis
It didn't belong to me
But everyone appreciated the change all the same

Still the barber pole bisected the globe spun on and on
Prompting me to ask once again

Quit spinnin my world round
It makes my head spin
It turns my logic turvy
Topsy hair cut and all

These are my demands
Decipher them and send them across the sea
To my dear friends who have the decency to
Speak a language I cannot understand

And they don't seem to mind the graffiti birth mark
It wasn't my fault
I was born that way
It wasn't my fault I was born

Still the C-Section borne
It made my umbilical lasso spin
And I wrangled myself a real beaut
I moved to Texas
Got married
Had three kids
And lived happily until I realized
The damn world was spinning again

So I rambled on...


Toothache in a toothpaste form?

i'm living near a ghost town

The Poor Man's Food Stamps

#716: Stalling Pete Puts-You-Off

He's only putting you off because it's a big decision. He's only sleeping because he's tired..
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #716: Stalling Pete Puts-You-Off)

The Alpha Mummy

The Alpha Mummy charms me
He charms me with his snake dance
His arms akimbo and perpendicular
I do his bidding for no reason in particular

In fact, when I closer examine my actions
They more resemble the acts of a mad man

I cut my own hair
I circle the drain
I alphabetize my fingernails
I listen closely to anyone who could be thinking for me

They steal my ideas
But I took them off the back of a mashed potato box
The brand with the spuds on the front
They looked so delicious
I simply had to murder that woman

When I awoke I was up to my eye lids
In bug elbows
They were akimbo
In my eye sockets
I was crying electric sauce
It tempted me
Yet all I could do was look away

As scarabs circled my grave
Tabasco curses
The accidental curse
The dental hearse
I rode away in the mummy's mouth

He debugged my program
And now I make total sense

He leads the pack
And cuts the crops
With pestilence and plague

No more potatoes for sleepy dreams
I turned to vapor

His order is my command
I'm not in his pack, I don't understand
But now it makes total sense

March
Hut
2
3
4

#776: B&M Barton Tiny Teeth

Here B&M is for Bitchin' and Moanin'. He does not like can openers at all.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- ##776: B&M Barton Tiny Teeth)

I know what you'd do

Do you?

Tonto Taunting / Typo Symposium

Hemoglobin Paycut