Something here is about to explode

Believe in that conveyer
Belt around your torso
It leads up to your neck
Don't gag on the reflex

I pushed my luck right out the front door. It was running out on me.

My head bled in stereo
Will you stick around
Well, I don't know
We got our wires crossed
Tired of fighting for a cause that's lost
And found
And lost
And found
Now
I'm going to find that missing spark
No more taking cheap shots in the dark
No more bathing in the moonlight
I need a damn towel
Calling all cars
Can you give me a ride
I said I swallowed my pride through my muffled throat
I-I-I-I-I- plead the fifth
And Gi-i-i-i---ive me...some money...

My sense of humor is so sick it's in the hospital
Please visit it and give it flowers and give it chocolates but don't fatten it up and don't make it allergic because it's pretty sick
I said my face
Don't
Look
Right
I said I lit my lungs on fire
Behind some smoky voices I got the hell out of there
I was tired of counting the woodgrain under my eyes
Because
Pardon the expression

Deserted Island Notes, Excerpts

A short note to the Deserted Island I recently left:

Hey Dude,

Sorry I've been AWOL for so long. Well, you know how these things are. It really was just time. I grew a long beard and contracted dysentery while in your company. Plus, I brought along my favorite book, CD, and movie, which, I knew we had some good times enjoying together. I don't need to tell you how many times I wish I had brought my glasses, boombox, and DVD player, though. Good times.

Plus, remember when I tore my clothing to pieces in a fit of madness brought on by a diet of nothing but raw turtles? Turns out there's a reason the tortoise beats the hare. Yeah, my doctor, Dr. Wilk, says that turtle sacrificed many of his reptilian comrades in an orgiastic feast for the bunny rabbit to eat. So, I won't be running any races lately. Speaking of hares, I hope you know how to read a letter written completely in human hair.

Hmmh. What else. Oh yeah. Remember when I fell into a pit of despair so deep that I set out to sea in a homemade coffin? Remember the coconut coffin? Well, after seven years of construction, it turns out that a sea-faring vessel made out of fruit isn't very buoyant. Well, by that point I was out of swimming reach of the island, which is pretty moot since I don't know how to swim.

I can understand your feelings are hurt, being left behind, but why did you not send for help? Weren't you wondering what happened to me? And to think of all the times I held your hair while you vomited, drunk on a tropical highball. I know they didn't taste very great, and sure it was mixed in a blender that only had one speed, and sure, those blades were really turtle teeth, but at least I tried. What'd you do? I mean, you're a deserted island...And I love you for that, I always will...

Really, I will. I mean, I'm writing this letter, aren't I? All I'm saying is, "X" marks the spot. And "X" is where I buried my love. I hope you find that shovel you kept whispering about. Oh yeah, my love is right under that corpse of the captain who ate the map. I mean who puts a map on oyster crackers? I love oyster crackers...

Signed,

Joel Derringer

simple question for a simple answer

I got a suicide packed in my tooth
And a sleeping bag hanging from inside my eyes
That inchworm crawling up my white T-shirt doesn't care
Much for me
I'd flick him off but nature kicked my ass twice yesterday
It's got my number
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Yes 9
Bring me mine
And you'll get yours
But I'll share
My shadow puppets from heaven

OBVIOUSLY

I can wait you out like a hunger strike
But then what
My stomach would squeeze up against my spine like a tail between my legs
I'd be hungry and it'd get me no where
Malnourished
Maybe I'll set myself on fire instead
But I never go to any dinner parties anyway
So I'll just go hungry instead

Untitled #601

Thing I should probably apologize for but won't:

1. Posting "Have you seen my god?" flyers all over town
2. The previous item, but hanging said flyers without accurate contact information (I left my phone number and e-mail address off, due to a "printer's error."
3. Swatting at the neon buzzing flies that are always overhead
4. Listing the order of meals in a day as such:

a. Breakfast
b. Lunch
c. Dinner
d. Dessert
e. Midnight Snack
f. 5AM Feeding
g. 6:30 AM Feeding Frenzy
h. 6:50 AM Slop Bucket Bonanza
i. 6:55 AM Lobster Bib Change of the Guard

5. Pointing out to people when they're trying too hard
6. Laughing at your haikus (the ones you didn't intend to be funny)
7. Acting all like I want to use the Metric system (I don't.)
8. Coining the phrase "smokestack sausages"
9. Making pointless lists

mgmg g g gd

again, mgmg g g gd

Milestones are meaningless but nice to track. [Post #600]

I swore I cut myself shaving on Ockham's Razor but it didn't seem simple enough.

Murphy's Law totally fucked up my morning when I slept in the freeway.

Oh, right.

So, this is the 600th drawing. Probably, I hit this milestone a few days ago. But I know it's the 600th post. Anyone who cares to can count them up, but I wouldn't recommend it. Congratulations might be in order as well, but I wouldn't recommend those either.

I know some of you are out there, in the shadows, reading, looking, wondering. But some of you have expressed an interest in paying me for merchandise relating to this, whatever this is. I will make an effort to satisfy that demand in the very near future. What is it you people want? Write and let me know. Otherwise you'll just have to make do with whatever awesome thing I cook up to romance your wallets.

Many of you, and I don't really know who you are or how many, and that's fine, continue to read. And I am appreciative. I'll keep this brief. No one likes a windbag, and neither do I.

There's also some different projects coming up in the relative near future, and I'll post about those with the usual barrage of bullshit you see on here.

And now, without further ado, back to the bullshit.

Signed,
Me.

P.S. I heard Bat Boy uses a technique he calls inversion therapy -- in which he hangs upside-down in his cave -- to help maintain his weight.

Thirty five million, six hundred and thousand, fifteen and three, and the # H (They dont want to wait, they want it now, and they dont wait for now)

Hi,

I'm not in right now. But if you leave a message, when I get my head out of the clouds, I'll pick up the phone and call you back. Do you still have a phone?

Please leave your name, number, and whether you have a phone (especially that last information) after the sound of 60 gongs.

Wait, did I get those gongs today?

...

No.

...

Well why not?

I didn't understand why you needed 60 gongs when really all you need is one. You can just hit it sixt--

Because in the message I said, "After the 60 gongs."

Yeah, but why do you need 60 gongs to hit, why can't you just hit a single gong 60 times?

No, don't be ridiculous. You know what I meant.

No, I didn't.

Yes you did.

No, I really didn't.

Don't take that tone.

I'm not taking a tone, really. I'm just trying to explain to you--

It's sixty gongs you hit all at once, only one time.

That makes no sense.

Wait, leave a message.

GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!

pLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU COUNTED THOSE, OR ARE READING THIS.

Man oh man Manwich is a bitchin' meal

I once had a job folding paper. It was the hardest job I've had yet. Every morning at 3pm, I'd rise from bed and go to my office and shove 37 calico cats off and really get down to brass tacks.

At 3:07pm I'd need a break to stretch my legs and imagination so I'd go back to the bathroom, which was recently flooded, and pack the toilets (and later, with some luck, the oceans) with gauze. If it weren't for the lack of teeth in the toilet, I'd feel like a dentist. But then I'd feel like a total goof for dropping out of dental school. I didn't even enroll, but it didn't take me long to drop out.

The entrance exam was too hard to take. They were offering at the local junior high and I was unfamiliar with the layout and by the time I finally woke up at 3:10pm I remember I never even wanted to go to dental school.

I swept the blood under the rug and went back to my desk. Okay, 3:11pm, time for work. Really, really work. Work, that's a funny word. Where were those cats? No time to worry. Alright, time to get this shipment of Fuddelden-319b forms ready to be shipped to the origami plant down in Idaho. Potatoes? Do they have potatoes there? In Idaho? I will tweak every third crane's head slightly askew, as if looking out at a never ending field of Russet potatoes, thinking to itself, "Yeah, I could settle down here. Settle." Settle, as if to say, "Yeah, this is good enough for the rest of my life."

Personally, I think it'd be dangerous for a paper crane to live in a potato field. What if it rains? What if the crops become infested? What if potatoes, despite having eyes, don't feel like making eye contact with a paper crane. They're not good listeners, and it has nothing to do with them not having ears. They just choose not to.

Once I had a problem with neighbors. They trapped a raccoon in their garbage can and climbed on top of their car, poised to attack with a shot gun. As if that was an even fight.

Man, it's hot in here.

This sweat is ruining this entire batch of rose creme tinged paper cranes. What the hell do they need with 1,000 paper cranes? Well, they're out of luck here. That's all I know. Someone get 37 calico cats on my desk, prontoburgers. It's nearly 3:18pm, and I don't see any cats in here. Call my kid up, take him out of school, dress him up like a cat, and I'll bamboozle him with the dust buster.

I've never seen dust be busted, though I've seen it sucked into a handheld vacuum.

One thing I've never seen is a paper crane towing a steel truck.

I forget what else I've seen but I need a new job.

call me a cynic like they call me a cab, because i can taste the innocence

We say we'll stay in touch when all I do is lose it. We'll roll out the sunshine in the morning after I find a wheelbarrow. Can I borrow a cup of whatever you're drinking? I won't lose that.

I said you could slash my tires and that wouldn't keep me from moving. I don't own a car anymore and I don't have a care in the world. They're in the ether with a lot of people I used to know and I couldn't keep them from moving onto there.

Sleep on it
Sleep on it
Sleep on it

Give it a second look, like you know you wanted to.
Exchanging second chances
I won't lose that
You think you cracked the code but you haven't got a clue who's really onto you
I said I'm onto you
Maybe you didn't get it yet
But by the time you do it'll probably be too late
So set your watch
The one that weighed me down last year
Rented moonbeams me down
Bottles of juice, well, okay, they're more like boxes
Moving boxes
They say you can't go back
Yeah, they say a lot of things
Everyone has the same thought at different times
Like a timeshare, we'll visit
And examine the properties
Who taught your baby how to drive
You can pop my tires like the zits on my back
It's no skin off my teeth
I have neither, I don't have all three
So keep a list

And sleep on it
And call me a cynic like they call me a cab

Pop goes the easel

What do you call two witches who live together? Broomates! (hahahaha)

My friends are on autopilot
Yeah they're all automatic
And they're going no where
So I hitched a ride along

Why not
I'm not going anywhere
I'm right around the bend
"You can follow me around for a while," I said.

"Ask about me when you leave," she said.
I wasn't sure what that meant but luckily sleep for the night was within 5 hours, a stones throw away to the unconscious mind. But the conscious mind knows that's a long ways to go if you're tired, hungry, and unshaven. I was all three, and my mind was watered down with I don't know what. Some indescribable quality that already has wasted some words and your time. Happy?

the marching of his feet on the cobble stone road reiterated and imitated the blank purpose of a horse valiantly being driven toward its stead.

“what’s that?” he thought aloud.

nothing but his own interpretations and hollow thought process consuming his consciousness, came the answer, like so much spilt milk cried over and devoured by now sullied paper towels. sleepless, he ventured through another viaduct.

the outdoor light bulbs flickered in and out of place, vignetting another pastel picture perfect soliloquy of humdrummery.

“cool it, thor” it seemed to have it coming. “the only difference between me and you is that I seem to accept who I am. and I’ll drop off the details on the way to where ever it is that I’m going”

as the thick sepia and cacophony of earth tones formed a nice mélange of background that might as well be drowned out under garish fluorescents, it was obvious that there very well may not have been a passageway at all had the painters known when to stop. but luckily, they did.

I was gonna say...But I already told you.

The difference between day and night is the sunrise
But the fictional friends and their actual acts
Cloud the difference
The difference between you and me is
I'll admit when I don't know
Don't you know that
So don't pull the wool over on the black sheep
Contact lenses shielded covertly
It's a red alert
I'm coming out of the hospital
Don't send another one of my family there this year
Too many to count
Actually, no
I take that back
Take as many as you want
I'll go willingly
What's the difference
I'll cash out now
Because I'll stake my claim
On a bed of nails
At least the food will be better

Just give me something I can understand
Or something I can play along with
Because lately it's all this faith in the veil of night
If you wanna self-sabotage then the least you could do is just trip the wires
Don't spin a web
I repeat my stories too much lately not because I don't remember what I said
Just who I said it to
What's the difference
Because I'll stake my claim
With these aches and pains
On a bed of nails
At least the food will be better

Here comes a brick of innuendo right through your front window

I climbed up the stairs and broke that empty heart
With the invisible men in my invisible army
I can't see them anymore but I know they're around somewhere
One of them's missing
Always in the last place I look
Retrace my steps
Where was the last place I saw you
Now your friends are homeless
I've got no where to send this letter
And
Oh well
In between
Making everything better
Oh well

that angel had a glass jaw

I guess if you can hear the whistle blow
You don't need to move your clock ahead
But why don't you do me a favor and just move ahead
Cut my hair and change my name and move to a new city and think everything's different
But it's not
So stop chasing that dream when it ran you over in your wildest dreams
Even your best day was two hours short
You think you know what's up
But you're in a world of your own
That fear you sold will just strike you in the dark
Ring you up
Call you out
And knock knock knock
Won't you come to the door
Play your hand
Make your move
Someday soon
Now now now
No, no, no
You know who you're dealing with
For the better part of the past century
In this life or the next
Someone came and found you out
Now they're ringing the bell in the city square
There's never anyone there
Where it's all who you know
And the loudest man shouts
About nothing in particular
And everyone's so pleased to march along and listen
What're you beating a drum for?
Rally the troops when they're off you-know-where
And they don't dare
There's some sort of other life you've been living
So excuse me
If I know what I'm talking about and say it out loud
If you think you know, then go

I guess
If you can hear the whistle blow
Then you're too far away to make a difference
What's the indifference for?
Nothing's changed on my side of the line
My side of the fence
The grass is always greener
But now they're just seeing red
So don't give me no bullshit in a china shop
I swear I called you up
But you just wouldn't listen
So suck on the drawl
And come get your lumps
Because the heart on my sleeves got an arrow straight through it
Right? Right.

They want in your head to open a bed and breakfast there

Your best day hasn't come yet
So why are you so damned upset
It's all an uphill ride on the way down
But "at least you know where you stand," he told me this morning
Just another damned negotiation
Keep your hands inside the ride at all times
Cut my hair and change my name and move to a new city and think everything's different
Now accepting all donations
(Because) As a hostage
I've got to write
Just to stay so uninspired

Other Cereals From The Makers of Kashi's "Good Friends"

Strictly Platonic O's
Let's Get A Divorce, Honey Nut Cheerios
We're No Longer Speaking, Give Me Back My Blender Nut Clusters
Prenuptial Wheat Crisps
I'm Having Your Bastard Child, Reginald Grainfest

You and I could make everything better

You and I could make everything better
But first we gotta tear everything down
Tear it apart
And start over
Far away from the start
Cut out all the bad parts
The past
It's better left in the dust
Where it's been collecting

You'll be my working title
I'll be your diamond in the rough
We can leave the cityscape behind
Look at the treasure and
Look at the trash shine
You can take what's mine
I took it for you
This was my home once but
First we gotta tear everything down

Tear it apart
And start over
I'll meet you in the beginning
I know you were in there
I know exactly where you were
But now...
For the millionth time...
I don't mind repeating myself
I don't mind

You and I could make everything better
But first we gotta tear everything down

figuring something went wrong, plugged in holes in the meaningless equation and came up empty on a shore walking along the water

You ripped off my money
Soul's in limbo
My arms akimbo
Now we're so polite it could kill a flower in bloom
Nobody speak too soon
You'll ruin it all
I got a feeling I could speak 'til I get blue in the cheeks
And still it'd be plenty of weeks
Time
And Time again
It's always time
Not enough time
The sands in an hour glass all became pearls
In the oyster's mouth, it was its own world
Now I'm taking a wish
And blowing its mind out
Out at sea
Out in its Sunday best
I got to believe what I see on the TV screen
Because I don't got no choice
I believe everything you say to me
(I already said it)
Even the lies
Because it's too beautiful to think
With my cracked mind
And my twisted logic
Is it toxic or nontoxic
A man's gotta eat
Keep away from the fire
And blowing its mind out
Out of what it always needed
Out at sea
So polite it could kill a flower in bloom
Still it would not unfold
For anyone but me
For everyone but me
I'm always losing things
Out in the worst way
Out because you lost your keys
So now it's 5, 6, 7, 8 hours until the next train will come
Do you hear the traffic dying?
Lull it to sleep
The moon sighed me to sleep too
And I was wide awake in a daydream
Oh yeah
Someday
But not today
Someday soon
This will all come back to you
ruin it all
Time
And Time again
So set your alarm and kill another day
In limbo

Don't piss in my stream of consciousness
Don't let them judge you
You never gave a fuck what they thought
I thought
So pull the dagger out
Take a pat on the back again
What's the difference
Add it up
Nothing's something, right?

It's too beautiful to think today
Or I think there's something wrong with my thinking
Oh yeah
Someday
But not today
Someday soon
You'll be my gift
And I'll never take it back
But
It's too beautiful to think today
Or I think there's something wrong with my thinking
Oh yeah
Someday
But not today
Someday soon

It's disinfected by trash

At the Copa
Copa Cabana
You can do things that you don't wanna
And you're gonna
Meet Kevin Costner
And remake all his movies
At the Copa
Copa Cabana
You can do things that you don't wanna
And you're gonna
Meet Tina Turner
And arm wrestle a blanket

Excerpts from The Godfather Anime: Don Vito's Revenge

Scene 15

[SON VITO is in his apartment’s bathroom, making spaghetti in the toilet while THUGS wait in his kitchen, converted to look like an Italian bistro]

SON VITO

Madonn', this oughta hold ‘em. Lousy mortadellas... lucky for me the Don put this gun in my toilet tank and also my water filtration has gone to kaputs. I can strain the water in my commode and come out, guns a-blazin’. Now, time to make-a my plate of super meatballs, the way the Don likes, straight ouf the turlet! Ha-ha-ha.

[SON VITO laughs and serves dinner. Later, the THUGS are killed, apparently from food poisoning]

Scene 37

[DON VITO is not pleased with underling Herman Napole’s lack of respect. Suspected of flipping for the feds, DON VITO confronts him in his terrarium.]

DON VITO

I ask of you this one favor. I invite you to my house, you play with my kitty cat Fluffers, and I ask of you to loan me your Frank Zappa box set. Instead, you come here and show a lack of respect to me in my terrarium. Come and fix me a plate super meatballs with a very nice a-gravy, you rat.