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Art Work : I appear in this short film. If you like funny, that is this film's intention. It hits where the laugh center of your brain where it lives. In your brain.

ENJOY!

But wasn't it Albert Einstein who once said, "I am totally smart," then he invented the F-bomb?

You're gonna be on your own soon for a while. (Enjoy the solitude while you're still alone.)

sharks are the gorillas of the ocean

It's always the same so I'll leave it blank for now.

just shove a damn cracker down his throat

Confidence conned me into being a weakling
Like syrup dropping from a sapling
I was just another fool waiting in a line
"I only wandered in to get in off the street," he said.
She wasn't sure what that meant so she went out to get away from his static.
But no matter the perception, her reception was perfectly clear.
No tinfoil hat was necessary to block out thoughts because he was already blocked on all channels.
After we switched seats we were all headed in the same direction off an all too familiar cliff.
The precipice cut my teeth and all new toupee came crashing down.
"It looks so life like," said the corpse.
The circuit board bent to break my will.
A living testament to the fact that I'm kinda still alive anyway. Hello.

Also the phoenix likes Mexican breakfast foods

Citizens arrest in a lawn chair
I caught you looking at me for the very last time
It lasted too long
No go away and don't stare at my clothes
I got it off the rack from a caveman
I don't trust him
I can't throw anyone too far
His nose was too big
He had a nose for news
It was real big news but he couldn't smell it all the same
Fish wrapped in newspaper is not really a good gift
But people always say it's more fun to receive a gift than to give
People say a lot of things
Playing cards too close to their chests
And their hearts on their sleeves
The anatomy is messed up
But the principle is the same
Alert the forces, push the shove
BBQ Sauce streaming live on the web
Click to download the rest of your life
Spoiler alert
You'll die alone but at least it'll be a pleasant funeral
You met your true love on April Fools Day
Now you have to go out in the rain
I invested it all in practical jokes
I made my bed and now I'll sleep in it
Good thing it's my bed
It's never made
I made my own gravy train out of powdered mix
I just added water by accident and had to check the recipe
Anyway keep it steady

I voted for Cobra Snake

i called attention
to my medic alert bracelet
attention, attention
be alert
notice my goddamned jewelery
and make a note of it
notice it
post a caution sign on the highway
think about the immigrant
how he doesn't think in english
he only thinks he does

when the phone rings tell it to shut the fuck up

walk-in closets for the rest of your life

walk-in closet for a walk-in life
i got stuck on a coat hanger
now i'm a hanger-on
i want to get into the shoebox
and check it out
see what's happening
i got elected mayor of a city i didn't know existed
so i'll send in rain clouds to make my memory foggy
if you ever find my megaphone just send it back to the clearly marked p.o. box address

totally grandma death!

turns_out_youre_human.com

I hit a Braille speed bump on my way to work
I hit a piñata full of meat with my fictional car
I hit my mind with 1,000 facts per second
I hit the ceiling with my glass tar fish baby
I hit a thousand things I'd never understand until I read the bumps in the mirror
I hit the margins of the paper with graphite poisoning
I hit the judge and jury with a restraining order
I hit my dumb little brain with a genius grant
I hit the ground running
I hit the sky in a second coming
I hit the world with a surprise birthday party and it was totally amazed even though we could totally see its junk and stuff
I hit the limits and forgot how to do math with fractions
I hit the outside of my coffin and learned to kick some damn tires
I hit the whole town and painted it red all before bedtime
I hit Daily Savings Time right in it's face because it's a fucking bitch and I had had it with it being all up on my business
I hit a leprechaun on my way to the end of the rainbow
I hit about a thousand better uses of my time when I was wasting it
I hit upon a nice dictionary
I hit on a nice little word
I hit on a nice spot to take a bath; it's a bathtub
I hit on the sweet spot on the dinner check; it's the rate of gratuity
I hit on this awesome new web page and I am so going to bookmark it
I hit the roof of my mouth with some too hot pizza and I am so sorry top of my mouth
I hit the stars with a lawsuit and I am going to be known as Dr. Millionaire from now on
I hit myself in the mouth and I know why (it's not related to the pizza)
I hit the end of this sentence with a period.

eyes peyote attention to me!

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thanks for fully stocking my feature bar

I'm self reliant tryin to eat band aids

She sneaks into my room
when I'm awake I'm asleep
The inside goes out
And I lost all my receipts
I lost my pathogens
I lost my ethos
My name isn't Andy
I wish it was John Stossel
Give me a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is not a good time for me
If you go away please return with a greeting card
And my feelings won't be nearly as hard

so this is it

To the observant, yes, I have been drawing most daily for a year now. Thank you for noticing. What a year it's been.

sometimes the panic button pushes you

this is easier than a restraining order

Not all draculas are necessarily wealthy. This is a stereotype from films...most draculas got to work to keep up their sizable mansions or apartments, or RVs. Draculas by their very nature can't work during the day, and the night shift is also impossible cuz they have to be home by sunrise. Many draculas have to work out of the home or coffins stuffing envelopes or earning their keep from other money making schemes. I donno if draculas are in grave danger -- no pun intended -- from a paper cut from envelopes, or if they bleed at all...but they work just like you and me.

Now if you wanna know why the wolfman is always accused of rape...

Figure it out circa 1992 / I JUST bought a brillo pad

verily like sara lee
i will eat crumb cake
and it better taste good

i don't like no coffee
tea is okay in a pinch

it stopped making sense in 1992

I got my chin up
I got my soul down
I keep my food down
I keep my chin up

-- He who could not be named though his mother tried

i'm kinda just waiting to eat dinner, at this point

I got a pint of blood
And a quart of of Pennzoil
I got a disposable camera
For my ocular lens
The atmosphere is making me tense
I can't finish my dinner
Please wrap it up
I'll take it home with me
It'll be sweet
And It'll be nice
Just come home with me tonight
Dinner, yeah I ate it
It was too much
Bag it up
I'll give it a good home

From Bill O'Reilly to Bilbo Braggins

I read encyclopedias
And fact the checks
I mean check the facts
I cash checks
I get real broke
And got my own bank account
Like a regular person
I ride the bus to work
Rarely if I can help it
I'm a train man
I wear deodorant
Like a regular person
I ain't braggin

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this is not my tattoo

Why is there no extra-medium?

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I'm here for the flashing text and graphic ads. Tell me where to spend my $$$ prontoburgers!

got lost got lost getting lost

But I AM a robot!

ain't nobody ever eat no dang cherry cobbler!

sick sick number 8

i got a list of things to do, screw 'em! this year in reverse was quicker.

that thing you think of when you think of that other thing

oh, you know

Peoplica

---------

I guess sometimes it just feels like my house is not on Earth.

I breathe the air and recognize the atmospheric pressure, though it is just as if I am outside my own head. I am not sure where I am or who these people are. They all know my name. But it's just off.

No one ever understand when I try to communicate this sensation. The trees have talked to me once. A black candle is a powerful thing.

---------

I guess the hardest part of being James Bond's neighbor is when he asks me to take in his mail. I am pretty sure he doesn't work at the milk bottling plant.

I've seen him wear a tuxedo an awful lot, even when it is not courting season. On three separate occasions I have seen three separate ladies from foreign lands steal my newspaper early in the morning.

I don't mind bringing in the mail, or the newspaper thefts, or the noisy sex that renders me groggy enough to spy my paper being snatched away. I even get a vicarious thrill from it. It's the lying I can't stand. I just have a hunch that he's into some sort of international espionage. Some sort of intrigue even. But don't ask me to get your mail for three weeks and expect me to believe you're going to a Milk Man Expo in Brazil, with a layover in Moscow. I saw that postcard from a man calling himself "Q" (and why anyone would voluntarily be known as only a single letter of the alphabet, any why that letter, though that is a topic best left for another discussion). In passing I noticed he wrote that you are not to buckle your belt in the manner he discussed or grave danger may befall you. He also blabbered about something called the "Moonraker." Don't give me a line about some sort of advanced polymer rake to improve the milking fields!

Therefore, I shall continue to bring your mail in while you are away, and ignore the sizable collection of firearms that a milk bottler, or milk man, or whatever you are could need. I shall continue to ignore the blood stained dishes, and simply take solace in the fact that you will buy me a drink when you return from wherever you have been away to. Also I will keep stealing soaps from your bathroom. They are from hotels I have never heard from.

my relationship

My relationship to me is that I'm myself. I take myself to catered events, and for the most part I can't complain. I am recovering from a surgery and I turn into a dragon much less than I used to. Still, it's a living. And you can't beat that. Nope. Not even with a ten foot self beating pole.

I know where you're going with this, so let me just stop you.

For now, on the record.

I will not be turning into a dragon, or a cyber-dragon, or anything of that ilk anytime soon. I don't have the zoning, and it always takes the drywall right out of the frame. It takes the stuffing right ouf of me. Turkey dinner.

--Rocky Valboa!

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Heart Burn Haven (Heart Loss Heaven)

if the golem rose

If the Golem rose from the mud below
He'd pluck a single rose
From his well sowed rows
And the poses he'd throw

Would make my heart accidentally smile
Then my valves would stop up
Mud would overflow
I'd need a new engine in my body
The car is my body
My buddy, my car

But the body I have is just for now
The mud is forever
Earth of the salt
Salt of the earth
I look around, but all I see is just dirt

And as the exposed light bulb
Swings like a vine in the jungle
I am reminded of a simpler time
The rope feels like slippers for my wrists
I reflect on my former self

And as I grew 1,000 legs
Insides grow out
Rise from my cocoon
And out from the shell
Walks the new me
Dust aside the husk
And watch as I go door to door

My sales are up
It's a good quarter
It's a half dollar
I make the Jello Monster from Brooklyn look like the fucking jackass he ass
And I say to him
"You know what, you are a fucking jackass, you are."

For earth is forever, my golem friend
You may rot in hell but your body is in me
The earth
Soak it up
And think it over
Then I will eat bon bons
And go to the hardware store
I'm learning how keys are made

2 Thumbs Sideways.

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With props to Nick.

i don't have to be bath water

the proper name the proper tone

I plugged my hair extensions into the wall again

think tanks shooting food food

#778: V-Neck Sweater Teddy G

The V-Neck is pure velvet. The G is for Zero Gravity. It makes for 100% comfy hobo naps.
(Submitted for the E-Hobo.com project -- #778: V-Neck Sweater Teddy G)