where does the water go when i flush all my teeth down the toilet? (I Don't Like Your Shogun)

Bacos, Texas, and I Helped

Stop. Withdraw Jaw from Bank Deposit. Stop.

Did Me A Favor -- I Knew I Was Gonna Die

Do You Know the Look of Your Own Face?

The Children Were Told They'd See Pom Poms...They Are Expecting Pom Poms

Duncan Donuts, Purple Hayes, and Mayor McCheese all Left for a Picnic Without Me, And I will Explain in this Manner: Interpretative Dance Taught to Me

Smoking is Not Allowed in the Terminal Cancer Ward

Can You Walk Me Through This Door?

Cheer Up Chuck (Sounds Like Vomit)

Tombstones as Milestones

C-Section the Salad

Monsters Await You

you can use the nice fly swatter

You Can't EAT A Milkshake, You Superfluous Hen

If You Can Read, This May Already Be Blind

Welcome to the Hall of Oates!

Mail-in Freebase

Onto Bigger and Greater Disappointments

Tooth and Nail (No Reserve!)

Did You Miss Me? AKA (Pronounced Acka, it DOES NOT Rhyme with Cloaca...Wait, it Does) Meet Me in the Vestibule!

You've Just Made a Corpsely Mistake!

I'll Just Go Ahead and Keep This Out of the Gravy Boat, Then

You Won't Get Hit in the Head If You Don't Cross the Line, So Don't Cross the Line and You'll Be Just Fine!

Can My Blood be a Typo?

I've Got A Ladle Spoon Full of Rattlahs

Cold Sweat, Hot Tears LORD HAVE MERCY

That Postman is Ousted!

I Will Never Rest Until All Birds on Earth are in Jail

Streaks on the China Never Mattered Before

Ding Dong Stitch

Here's Hoping the Earth's Crust is Deep Dish!

No Mess, Just Muss

Oh, I Feel Love

Will You Frost My Toaster Streudel?

No More Stupid Hair Gel Jokes / Free the Hair Gel Seven / Elian Always Says "Mas Agua, Por Favor"

Dear Milk, We're Out of You

Brokered Bones

So, this is the familiar story -- tried, true, and trodden -- of a blood clot that travelled to the eye socket. The place to be, the place to get a ride to. If you can spare it. Can I share your air, I'm going the same way. Just over the hill, through the woods, to the depths of your soul, to the very end of me. There's an end in there somewhere. But in the mean time, here's five bucks for gas and an air freshener.

And while we're on the way, we can pick up one of my friends. We'll call him Capillary Frank. It's not his real name and he doesn't have a face, anymore. The dogs were let loose, I guess. Someone let them out. And someone wrote a song trying to identify the culprit. They write a lot of songs about a lot of things. They'll never run out of notes or ideas. But we're flat out of luck and you can't repair that with a pump.

So kick, kick, kick. You're down on your luck and two feet in the grave. Four more to go. Can you spare the air? It's just ripe for breathing. It's just riping for cutting through that beautiful sunset. And when's the last time anyone's ever seen a sunrise? It's a fabulous sight, or so the post cards I keep getting say.

Old whiskers pale the mountain chatter on the way to the eye socket. It's clumping up and going down for seconds. Finely imported and finally important. Finally over. Just come on over, the phone's been ringing in my ears. It's your familiar scent and I can't collect the smell anymore.

Were you going my way or coming right for me?

Worst Parenting Speech of all Time

Touched in the Head

Fancy Cash Helps Me Jump the Cathode Ray

Gator Aid

Apple rhubarb, Cantaloupe slap

I'm Busted

See the Difference

Lazy Sun Cranky Moon Evil Sky

Aren't You Tired of Your Heroes?

In Closing

At the core of an apple, there is a perfect math. It owes much of its nature to science, and it's pretty blue eyes to the sea below.

Thing is, the sea is suing for custody. It's a funny thing, because aside from the pearls and sunken treasures, the ocean can't pay for a lawyer. No self respecting member of the BAR Assocation will work Pro Bono for 85% of the world. It's just not feasible, and no courtroom can hold the surging deluge.

So, for now, the matter stays tied up.
Bound and gagged. Tarred and feathered. Shollacked and tethered. Ziplocked and baggied. Sassofrassed and handlebarred. Kid gloves, alabaster mitts.

In the back hall, there sits a buffet. Dusty and messy, cathode raised and alone. No one eats there, but the macaroni and cheese still has that crusty layer of congealed cheese skimming the surface.

So, for now, America waits.