The more I thought about it, the less sense it made

The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. How could Professor Zombieton possibly have broken into the bank in Lord Vatrolli's private residence, much less put on those fancy pants before driving that sports car with the spotlights all over it?

Zombies by their very nature are inflexible creatures. Not spiritually or mentally; they are very open to new ideas and you could go so far as to call them "open minded," were it not for the fact that they gnaw on grey matter (another demonstration of their radical ideas on cuisine). Rather, they have very inflexible physiques. Even a pair of rust-colored sweatpants with a pull string would prove cumbersome for your run-of-the-mill mountain-zombie. No, for this reason, and this reason alone, I believe Jonathan Zombieton, PHD, was framed.

To wit, observe this mummy I have dug up from my back yard. He has the same physicality and temperament as a brown recluse zombie. Note how he is unable to touch his knee to his hand, even if he is permitted to (I'll get into how I reanimated the corpse later, though I believe you'll thank me for sparing you that dry, verbose explanation under later on) bend his knee. Did I mention zombies prefer to wear classic black and white Chuck Taylor sneakers? When I conducted a triple blind zombie taste test fashion show for the lad, who I've dubbed "Cheeky," he would always choose the Chucks, even when they weren't under the dioramas I had converted into shoe boxes.

Once, Cheeky found nothing but Checkered Vans (including a pair with leopard print checkers), and it sent him into a batshit rage, the links of which had not been seen since I originally mummified the mailman who I now call Cheeky.