Dear termites: leave my skull a latchkey child

These are the rules. We all agreed to them.
We all share the same car, and we all live in the same city.
It's not my fault you don't live in my house, and it isn't my fault either.
Help meet my eye to see eye-to-eye.
Let's get this jet rip roaring drunk and ride the waves.
Information travels faster in the modern age, and chivalry died on the table.
Quit speaking in sentence fragments kept alive via cryogenics.
You'll live to regret it and your tongue clipped its wings long ago.
When the fist hits the skin it helps the bottle spin for the kissing game.
There's no winner, there's no loser, just the players.
The rules were lost long ago but the King rules supremely..
No one questions his authority and he mandated we all share this stupid car.
It's not stupid, but the car is.
It just finished remedial home school for inward children, looking out toward their future.
It's foggy at best.
You sent me a message from a sky writer,
but it was cloudy at best.
The best way to deliver an honest message is via double meanings and assumptions. Don't even talk to me if you want to glean information. I'll decipher it with a decoder. I'll go home to North Dakota. My house is surrounded by beams. I'll drop the car off near your work so you'll have to rollerblade there next time.
Bombs away, grenades come near.
The narrator gave away the ending for the last damn time.
I was angry before but I forgot to foreshadow.
Now I'm sleeping in the shade 'cause it's cooler in my blood.
The message is clearer than mud, and stupid expressions say more than an honest greeting card.
It isn't stupid, but the car is.
And we've gotta share it.
So use the fucking car pool lane.
That's what it's for.
It's not a swimming pool.

i like it very much or at least somewhat

dead in his own head

Remind me when this is over how it began

then we sit in golden shades

CLICK TO READ.

sometimes it's just sometimes

African rugs on the floor
And imported stains on the mattress
Iodine and Iowine
Brain rattler's in the shrub
Time to do the dishes
He slowly composes haikus
While the master grows weary at an expert speed
Advanced to the next level
Counting ceiling tiles.

smile cracked the windows

I hid the truth in a got-danged cookie jar. No one looks there unless they're hungry. And that won't be a problem anymore.

If you rearrange the letters in "Elvis" you get "sviel"

Turns out you can go totally blind by staring at the microwave waiting for your dinner. But you can't get full by staring at the TV Dinner.

Who came up with that great idea?

people love the new yorker 15

Art Work : I appear in this short film. If you like funny, that is this film's intention. It hits where the laugh center of your brain where it lives. In your brain.

ENJOY!

But wasn't it Albert Einstein who once said, "I am totally smart," then he invented the F-bomb?

You're gonna be on your own soon for a while. (Enjoy the solitude while you're still alone.)

sharks are the gorillas of the ocean

It's always the same so I'll leave it blank for now.

just shove a damn cracker down his throat

Confidence conned me into being a weakling
Like syrup dropping from a sapling
I was just another fool waiting in a line
"I only wandered in to get in off the street," he said.
She wasn't sure what that meant so she went out to get away from his static.
But no matter the perception, her reception was perfectly clear.
No tinfoil hat was necessary to block out thoughts because he was already blocked on all channels.
After we switched seats we were all headed in the same direction off an all too familiar cliff.
The precipice cut my teeth and all new toupee came crashing down.
"It looks so life like," said the corpse.
The circuit board bent to break my will.
A living testament to the fact that I'm kinda still alive anyway. Hello.

Also the phoenix likes Mexican breakfast foods

Citizens arrest in a lawn chair
I caught you looking at me for the very last time
It lasted too long
No go away and don't stare at my clothes
I got it off the rack from a caveman
I don't trust him
I can't throw anyone too far
His nose was too big
He had a nose for news
It was real big news but he couldn't smell it all the same
Fish wrapped in newspaper is not really a good gift
But people always say it's more fun to receive a gift than to give
People say a lot of things
Playing cards too close to their chests
And their hearts on their sleeves
The anatomy is messed up
But the principle is the same
Alert the forces, push the shove
BBQ Sauce streaming live on the web
Click to download the rest of your life
Spoiler alert
You'll die alone but at least it'll be a pleasant funeral
You met your true love on April Fools Day
Now you have to go out in the rain
I invested it all in practical jokes
I made my bed and now I'll sleep in it
Good thing it's my bed
It's never made
I made my own gravy train out of powdered mix
I just added water by accident and had to check the recipe
Anyway keep it steady

I voted for Cobra Snake

i called attention
to my medic alert bracelet
attention, attention
be alert
notice my goddamned jewelery
and make a note of it
notice it
post a caution sign on the highway
think about the immigrant
how he doesn't think in english
he only thinks he does

when the phone rings tell it to shut the fuck up

walk-in closets for the rest of your life

walk-in closet for a walk-in life
i got stuck on a coat hanger
now i'm a hanger-on
i want to get into the shoebox
and check it out
see what's happening
i got elected mayor of a city i didn't know existed
so i'll send in rain clouds to make my memory foggy
if you ever find my megaphone just send it back to the clearly marked p.o. box address

totally grandma death!

turns_out_youre_human.com

I hit a Braille speed bump on my way to work
I hit a piñata full of meat with my fictional car
I hit my mind with 1,000 facts per second
I hit the ceiling with my glass tar fish baby
I hit a thousand things I'd never understand until I read the bumps in the mirror
I hit the margins of the paper with graphite poisoning
I hit the judge and jury with a restraining order
I hit my dumb little brain with a genius grant
I hit the ground running
I hit the sky in a second coming
I hit the world with a surprise birthday party and it was totally amazed even though we could totally see its junk and stuff
I hit the limits and forgot how to do math with fractions
I hit the outside of my coffin and learned to kick some damn tires
I hit the whole town and painted it red all before bedtime
I hit Daily Savings Time right in it's face because it's a fucking bitch and I had had it with it being all up on my business
I hit a leprechaun on my way to the end of the rainbow
I hit about a thousand better uses of my time when I was wasting it
I hit upon a nice dictionary
I hit on a nice little word
I hit on a nice spot to take a bath; it's a bathtub
I hit on the sweet spot on the dinner check; it's the rate of gratuity
I hit on this awesome new web page and I am so going to bookmark it
I hit the roof of my mouth with some too hot pizza and I am so sorry top of my mouth
I hit the stars with a lawsuit and I am going to be known as Dr. Millionaire from now on
I hit myself in the mouth and I know why (it's not related to the pizza)
I hit the end of this sentence with a period.

eyes peyote attention to me!

people love the new yorker 14

thanks for fully stocking my feature bar

I'm self reliant tryin to eat band aids

She sneaks into my room
when I'm awake I'm asleep
The inside goes out
And I lost all my receipts
I lost my pathogens
I lost my ethos
My name isn't Andy
I wish it was John Stossel
Give me a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is a good time for a break
Now is not a good time for me
If you go away please return with a greeting card
And my feelings won't be nearly as hard