On 2nd thoughts

dddon't stay away fly

Py-jamas

The big appeals

the sidewalk cracks me up

its true what they say
you will document your failures
while you suckcesses float into the ether
so congratulations and good luck
and good-bye

you've joined the hall of fame and now there's just no room for you here anymore
so good luck and good-bye

but if you want to use your congratulatory coupon to buy me a milkshake I'd probably be down with that thanks k bye

ties of loyalty

expect the Expectations

& if you can't be yourself you may as well just pretend
like a chameleon but even less than true
the weeping willows and the broken leaves crying
too bad we belong side by side

Wherever...

the bee stings, the big breaks

don't think at all

there are prizes

There are prizes for moments that have passed
Second chances gone by too fast, but took the ribbon for last

They say goodbye's a new word but it's just repackaged
And you couldn't pay me to listen but I'll dangle on the line a while longer

Maybe you thought the new story was new but it's all been told

Not that you mind
But I'm a registered quitter, just following that bouncing ball down to a second hand store
Regurgitating old lines to an audience that never listens
And only applauds when the sign goes on
Well the light's on and nobody's home
Maybe it's the stage name
There are aliases that slip in and out of the night with the quiet abandon of a windmill playing Jenga

Where I'll trade in my name for a new one
Maybe dust this old one off
And point these pointy shoe skyward
It's alright
Line the jar with glass and the feet of clay melt in the salt of the earth
Price tag!

Don't forget we are playing hackysack later, OK? You ain't so big!

My My My and the My My Mys

My love child's inner child needs a babysitter
And I'm sick on the inside but I can always get my stomach pumped
For information

lucky #700

somehow, beards always enter the equation

Yes, this is drawing #700

So, you know, think about that

The thing is you're cursed by details and the pennies saved up don't derail the train of thought but the objection confused all related distractions

I took a bet on a whim
and when push came to shove
I just went out the door

I took hold
and took notice
And just went out the door

I repeated a theme with too many variations
and it just lost meaning
And it went out the window

I forgot what we were talking about
But I'll pick it up where we started
And it went out the mouths
To your ears

I made all the mistakes you wish you did
while the whole world watched
And they patted me on the back
They stepped on all the cracks
Oh, to be someone

Good Questions With Bad Answers, Vol. 2

And the tiny child will eat not one, but three crackers when the time arrives
It's been spoken!

on automatic pilot and i don't mind trying

the climb to the top
nearly knocked me down with a landslide
but if there's one thing i learned
and the sand of 100 beaches crashed down
trying to make waves in an empty platoon
you try to speak but it's always too soon
finding some kind of forgotten pearl in the mouth of your ancestors
trying to change the leaf's journey
or the tree's quest
from sapling to plain old sap
don't give away the ending
we all know it
and everyone else is just always

Why does no one know

I expect I'll need a note but not know what to write

on the way out of coming in

Just make sure you know it's the cobra who's laying in wait at the bottom of the pot you planted

It's time to rattle a few rib cages
Because my baby keeps it electric
Down the last line
I traced on my front lawn
Staring up at the middle light
It used to be the moon
Now it just buzzes on the line
And talks to me and says I can tell the truth now too
The truth is
I don't know,
About a buck 95
So ask for your change back
You'll never get back
No no no never get back
But it's too late
Gotta gotta keep up
Gotta act all interested
When you've inherited a throne that's yours alone
Act real interested
And smile big for the pictures
Just to make it a bit clearer
And the object in the mirror might be your reflection

You want the truth you can have it
Keep it up high on the top shelf with the promises you'll always break
And the object in the mirror might just be your reflection

What’s his full name?

Only three people in this state have my name
And none of them made the top of my list
Or are half the man I'll ever be
I checked twice
And the past passed me by
I didn't get the license or registration
I didn't get the point
I'm breaking in the line of the duty
Just to get a damn break
I swapped my eyes out
Too blurry to speak
Too slurry to see
In the sea
It drifts apart and breaks
The lines are crossed
The lies are lost
And "X" always marks the spot

If you left here three times tomorrow
What would you miss most
The mist or the myth of a mistaken identity
You think you know but it's just a false start
You keep it set apart because it might start again
You thought a lot of things but just wrote them down in a thought balloon
And let it set sail as the acid rained down inside a stormy head
And I've set aside my better half
Hoping to gain interest
In an account I don't own
And it's just registered to a man with my full name
I've never met the man
But where he's buried
"X" always marks the spot

Two to three times in the snow
Once if it pours
To avoid further confusion you can just accept the fact that you're hopelessly hoping that your helping side is helpless
Or just accept the fact that it's always marked by the spot

And what's his full name?
Captain snugglebears and the lovey hold 'ems
Tough crew
He beat my skull in with a razor pick
The same kind I took home to my mother
Before she had me aborted in 912th trimester
The future turns on a dime and I just spent my last quarter
His eyes look like they own the place
And the road map to regret was exactly as advertised
"X" marked the spot and it was so, so unsatisfying

the continents drifted, and i've been thinking of miles down the road and it stretches out as far as you can see

backwards
sidewards
forwards
there'll always be words
just not words to describe this

the the the the AFFECT

the lightning went on strike
and the thunder clapped its hands
and the big man with the tiny hands and the medium dog
just slinked away

Those wizard-grease fires started by Capt. Porno

And it's time to collect because I'm the clown pimp
Clown better have my money

I really don't appreciate being treated like a god when all I wanted was to enter your solar system

Not that I expected anyone to be keeping track, but tonight marks the second earth year of these semi-daily drawings.

Oh, and it's also #690.

And it's Halloween. So that's three things to keep track of.

I was never much of a juggler. More of a La-Z-Boy.

-bye.

There's nothing more boring I can think of than listening to myself talk for the rest of my life

And yet that's what I'll do

Store bought boredom bought the crutch like a habit and said "give it to me, I can make it stop." Then he was only checking in to check out. And h-h-

Mister Scarecrow said he had to go away for a while
To keep the separate lives separated
And to make more stuffing to have beat out of him

Truer words were never spoken but always broken

They say loose lips sink ships
Well my dentist is the captain of this ship
He dusted off his mortarboard and set sail on the USS Who Gives A Fuck
For who cares what
The map was lost
The fortune folded up inside it
And if I ever had one thing to say
It was this

When I whisper you can assume what you want but you don't know anything

Even the echoes of shadows know

I don't know the back of my hand that well

I took some stepping stones to some falling glass

Don't know where we're going

But I know we haven't gotten there yet

Still we've been riding around for hours

Stop me if you've heard this one before

I've been repeating myself since I repeated the second grade

Ain't nothing cushy about life in a bubble

The apple of my eye makes pretty fucking good juice!

Mark N Cheese, ATTORNEY AT LAW
Episode 19: "Eat Cheese, Scum Bag Criminals"

EXT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

Herman: Good job, minions. One more shipment, then we will officially be the world's most illegal crime syndicate.

Thug #1: Good job, boss.

Herman: Shut up, minion.

(HERMAN slaps THUG #1)

ENTER MARK N CHEESE

Thug #1: Holy snikies! It's Mark N Cheese! Attorney at law!

(THUG #1 explodes)

HERMAN: OMG! We're totally fucked!

DISSOLVE: THE COURTHOUSE

Judge: I hereby charge you are no longer awesome and are in fact a criminal. How do you respond?

Thug #2: I swear, I don't even know how to ride a bicycle.

(JUROR #4 falls asleep.)

I once made tough love to a tree stump and got petrified wood

I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm beating up your dad and I'm so sorry

Crack it up to a fortune told

A pocket fold
There's nothing cushy about life in a bubble
And you're acting like you're ten years old
The truth was sold
And I'm useless and cold
Lowering the standards so low
For limbo in heaven and hell
The best price as the stock rose and fell

I said I'm a victim of time crimes not a victim of the times

Someone somewhere said something
To a butterfly jar
The difference was the same
So the squeaky wheel gets the grease
The memory wasn't set aside
Left out for some rainy day (It rained today)
Can I just go home now
With my cuts and scratches
Scars and bruises?

stanza stand-off standby standing order

I tried to build a bridge to Ms. Pac Man
But she just ate all my pills
No one talks to my baby
She hasn't said a word yet

Here you are Mister Pretty Pony

I said I like the taste of my own medicine
No one ever writes back to Russia
Tiny boxes behind my back in the eye lids
Same old shit on a brand new day
But I said I like the taste my own medicine
Pared down the whispers to a glistening shadow that I shaved off in the morning
And there's a card-house under the kitchen cabinet I'm off in some deserted bathroom
Tasting my own medicine
So please knock
Once if by sea
Twice if you know me
It's by design
But shredded the documents
It comes in the mail
Thank you for the garbage
I have some just like it at home
Wow that was fast

bum-da-bum bum-da-dum

Someone was in here speaking without words
Making me pull over
Though I can't remember why
And the angels start to sing
It sounded awful

Wiseman

A wiseman once asked me whether fish have testicles.
I could do little other than plainly tell him no.
"What about whales?" He asked.
"No."
"Sperm whales?"
"No."
"Then where to their sperm come from?"
"London."

Dracula's Pet Peeves

Dracula's Pet Peeves

Jehovah's Witnesses

Door-to-door garlic salesmen

Cross repairmen

"Stake" dinners

Prank phone calls from the Blood Bank of Normandy

Starching old capes

Blue bloods

Crappy vampire movies

Being undead

Moon Is Laughing At Me, Vol. 3

The moon is laughing at me, Vol. 3

I woke up from a harsh sleep only to find my telephone ringing for the first time I remember in a long time. It was the moon. She was laughing at me again for no apparent reason other than the fact that I must amuse her by merely existing.

Well, how do you like that.

Measured forest gold

Get out of my garbage, you damned teenagers

And I don't ever understand your rock music. Can I borrow your headphones?

The more I thought about it, the less sense it made

The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. How could Professor Zombieton possibly have broken into the bank in Lord Vatrolli's private residence, much less put on those fancy pants before driving that sports car with the spotlights all over it?

Zombies by their very nature are inflexible creatures. Not spiritually or mentally; they are very open to new ideas and you could go so far as to call them "open minded," were it not for the fact that they gnaw on grey matter (another demonstration of their radical ideas on cuisine). Rather, they have very inflexible physiques. Even a pair of rust-colored sweatpants with a pull string would prove cumbersome for your run-of-the-mill mountain-zombie. No, for this reason, and this reason alone, I believe Jonathan Zombieton, PHD, was framed.

To wit, observe this mummy I have dug up from my back yard. He has the same physicality and temperament as a brown recluse zombie. Note how he is unable to touch his knee to his hand, even if he is permitted to (I'll get into how I reanimated the corpse later, though I believe you'll thank me for sparing you that dry, verbose explanation under later on) bend his knee. Did I mention zombies prefer to wear classic black and white Chuck Taylor sneakers? When I conducted a triple blind zombie taste test fashion show for the lad, who I've dubbed "Cheeky," he would always choose the Chucks, even when they weren't under the dioramas I had converted into shoe boxes.

Once, Cheeky found nothing but Checkered Vans (including a pair with leopard print checkers), and it sent him into a batshit rage, the links of which had not been seen since I originally mummified the mailman who I now call Cheeky.

I forgot everything I was supposed to remember so I guess it worked out in the end

You owe this world

You owe this world with a fine-toothed comb to live in a broken home until the day you're too rich to die. I'm not sure why.
Scan the crystal globe and you might shatter.

I'm giving in the best I can.

So please.

damn son, you're my grandson

I'm old and only know a few tricks,
So all I got to say is nah-nah-nah-nah-nah

Tell your hostages I say hi

Don't eat so many daggers
ooo-ooo-ooo
If you believe in magic
and I think you do,
Here's a tale about farmers and beanstalks,
this is true.

Daddie was a folk musician and every night mommie beat me

Your body does a doubletake
and the clouds will part like a bad toupee
Because everyone you know will get their own way
Just take a chance
Don't fake you're last

Truer words were never spoken and truer hearts were never broken

Dear world,
They say you can't compare apples and oranges
But they're wrong
They're both fruits

bzzz

like a bumble bee buzzing from memory to memory
none of us want to be forgotten
but most of us will
time never stands still
except for those who are waiting
waiting for something
waiting for something
that came and went a long time ago
so you can be content
and you can be in hiding
and think others are seeking
but there's a brand new game they're all playing
buzzing from memory to memory
in a dusty shadow
in a dark hall
i hope you find what you're looking for