Deserted Island Notes, Excerpts

A short note to the Deserted Island I recently left:

Hey Dude,

Sorry I've been AWOL for so long. Well, you know how these things are. It really was just time. I grew a long beard and contracted dysentery while in your company. Plus, I brought along my favorite book, CD, and movie, which, I knew we had some good times enjoying together. I don't need to tell you how many times I wish I had brought my glasses, boombox, and DVD player, though. Good times.

Plus, remember when I tore my clothing to pieces in a fit of madness brought on by a diet of nothing but raw turtles? Turns out there's a reason the tortoise beats the hare. Yeah, my doctor, Dr. Wilk, says that turtle sacrificed many of his reptilian comrades in an orgiastic feast for the bunny rabbit to eat. So, I won't be running any races lately. Speaking of hares, I hope you know how to read a letter written completely in human hair.

Hmmh. What else. Oh yeah. Remember when I fell into a pit of despair so deep that I set out to sea in a homemade coffin? Remember the coconut coffin? Well, after seven years of construction, it turns out that a sea-faring vessel made out of fruit isn't very buoyant. Well, by that point I was out of swimming reach of the island, which is pretty moot since I don't know how to swim.

I can understand your feelings are hurt, being left behind, but why did you not send for help? Weren't you wondering what happened to me? And to think of all the times I held your hair while you vomited, drunk on a tropical highball. I know they didn't taste very great, and sure it was mixed in a blender that only had one speed, and sure, those blades were really turtle teeth, but at least I tried. What'd you do? I mean, you're a deserted island...And I love you for that, I always will...

Really, I will. I mean, I'm writing this letter, aren't I? All I'm saying is, "X" marks the spot. And "X" is where I buried my love. I hope you find that shovel you kept whispering about. Oh yeah, my love is right under that corpse of the captain who ate the map. I mean who puts a map on oyster crackers? I love oyster crackers...

Signed,

Joel Derringer